


White Lilies

by Mustang_Girl16



Series: One Shots [9]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Like that's what this story is about, Loss of pregnancy mentioned, Mother's Day Fic in November, but nothing graphic, i cried, i don't care, just mentioned, so warning, you will cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-02
Updated: 2017-11-02
Packaged: 2019-01-28 11:27:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12605584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mustang_Girl16/pseuds/Mustang_Girl16
Summary: "Do you have baby?"--Sucky summary I know, but there's no good one to describe this.





	White Lilies

**Author's Note:**

> So like this started out as a fluffy piece to be like "you don't have to have kids" based off of what I say every time I hear my two of my friends come in the door, "Do you have baby?" The one's nephew is always here and the other's daughter is who I kinda based Maria's personality off of, or what little of the personality you see off of. She's too cute, they both are. 
> 
> But then you know angst made it's appearance and this happened! It's not Mother's Day, far from it, but I still think this is relevant and needs to be shared and talked about more. The idea came from my cousin who suffered a miscarriage a few years back (she now has a beautiful baby girl) but even though she only knew for a few weeks and wasn't that far along it didn't make her pain any less real or ours because we knew, she told us and I was so excited for her. Then this past Mother's Day GMA posted a video to mothers who suffered the loss of a child whether in utero or years later. This also points out how kids with disabilities or suffered from illnesses were treated when Steve would have been growing up, and I just really wanted to touch this subject. IDK. 
> 
> So this for all mothers, but especially those who's children now wear wings. They may not be hear with you physically, but they will always live inside your heart.

Natasha’s ears perked up as she heard the front door open. She listened carefully identifying the footfalls of one Tony Stark.

“You better have baby.” Natasha warned as Tony walked into the apartment her back still turned to him.

“You know, sometimes I think you only want me for Maria.” Tony shot back. “And yes I have baby.”

Natasha closed her book setting it aside and getting up off the couch, taking the carrier from him. Let it never be said that Natasha Romanoff disliked children. Far from it actually. There was just something so pure about the way children see the world that makes her want to protect them. She smiled down at Maria who smiled bashfully back up at her as Natasha unbuckled her from her seat. The kid was too cute with Peppers strawberry blonde hair and soft grey eyes. But she was already just as much a charmer as her father even at just six months old.

Maria babbled happily as Natasha set her down in her lap, Maria chewing away on her toy keys.

“She not have a teething ring?” Natasha asked looking through the bag Tony brought.

“She does, it’s just not cold. Front pocket that weird think that looks like a cross between a mouth guard and a binkie.” Natasha located the object in question getting up and sticking it in the freezer. “The place looks nice, you guys all unpacked?”

“Finally, yeah.” Natasha said sitting back down. She and Steve just moved into their own house off base. While they like their quarters well enough it just didn’t afford them the same privacy as having their own place.

“Hey Tony.” Steve said entering the room. Tony waved at him knowing he was going to go straight for Maria anyways.

“Hi Maria!” Steve said, picking her up and kissing her cheeks making her giggle.

Tony just watched on contently as the two lovers gushed over his daughter. He’d gotten used to the fact that people would be curious about her and want to hold her a few months back, but he never got tired of seeing his friends with his daughter. She needed normal-or as normal as it can get when your father is Iron Man and your godparents are more super heroes-and he knew how much they adored her. It’s why he and Pepper named them her godparents.

“You know, me and Pepper were thinking maybe Maria could use a friend?” Tony finally mused out loud.

Steve and Natasha had been married now for almost two years (together for nearly five) and Tony had to admit he was sure it wouldn’t be too much longer before a Romanoff-Rogers Baby joined the group. Natasha just ignored him, and Steve just shrugged as Maria had their full attention. Soon though more people started showing up as the house warming party began, the Barton children running around, Riley showing off his new walking skills as Nate ran around pulling things off the tables and shelves to gift to everyone (as two-year old’s do) while Maria and Freya napped in the spare bedroom.

Everyone was seated in the living room after dinner laughing and just enjoying each other’s company when Pepper pipped up.

“Alright, what is it?” Pepper asked, directing her attention solely on Wanda where she sat on the couch leaning into Bucky. Wanda raised an eyebrow at her, a small smile on the corner of her lips.

“What do you mean?” Wanda responded innocent as ever.

“Oh, your hiding something.” Natasha responded. She’s known the girl long enough to know when she was hiding something. She was the one who taught her to be a spy after all.

Wanda pulled her lips between her teeth as she looked up to Bucky and they both seemed to silently agree before she grinned ear to ear. Her smile was always just so infectious that you couldn’t help, but smile too.

“I’m pregnant.”

Natasha blinked, the smile fading from her face a little as everyone reacted to the news, shrieking and hugging the young couple and it suddenly became very hard for her to move let alone keep smiling. She felt Steve’s hand squeeze hers as he brought her out of her head and she quickly smiled again as she rejoined the group as they asked the couple a dozen questions.

 

Steve found her a little while later after everyone had gone home, sitting in their bedroom staring at the wall. It’d been happening a lot lately, well ever since…

“Why does this keep happening?”

Steve looked up meeting his wife’s gaze and he shook his head. He walked in all the way, wrapping her up in his arms as she began to cry. His heart broke a little more every time he heard her crying in their bedroom after their friends left.

“Why can’t I be happy for them?”

Steve took a shaky breath. He didn’t have an answer. He wanted to be happy for them too, but he just couldn’t.

“It’ll get better,”

It will, it had too. After all she can hold Maria now, she couldn’t at the beginning, not for more than a few minutes. That was three months ago, now though she has no problem sitting down and cooing at the infant. After this though…bad days, and good days, they’ll happen.

“I promise, Nat…I promise.”

 

“No.” Steve said as he snatched the tabloid out of Natasha’s hands.

She frowned up at him as he read whatever they had to say. Of course, it was about her, again, and of course, it was about the latest Avengers baby announcement and how it wasn’t from them. The public had been getting antsy especially after Tony and Pepper announced their pregnancy. While some were encouraging, it was always the ones seeming to have a bone to pick that Natasha picked up.

“Nat, I thought we talked about this?” Steve sighed, throwing the magazine away.

She looked up at him with big doe eyes and he knew what was coming. They hadn’t really acknowledged it and he was hoping after this last time that she wouldn’t bring it up, but apparently, they were.

“It’s been three months Steve,”

Steve took a calming breath as he leaned against the island.

“Nat, you can’t be serious.”

She glared at him.

“One more round…”

“Nat, no. No.”

“Why not?” Natasha challenged, and he frowned.

“Last night was a pretty good example of why not. You’re not ready.”

“The doctor said-”

“I know what the doctor said, I was there, but I know you, he doesn’t.”

“I think I know myself enough to know I want this.”

“Wanting something and being ready for it are two different things.”

“Oh? And when do you think I’ll be ready?”

Steve paused, and he knew he’d taken too long when her eyes turned glassy again.

“You don’t think I can do it, do you?”

“Nat, I never said that…”

“You don’t have too, just forget it.”

“Nat!” He made to go after her, but she slipped from him as she made for the stairs.

“Natasha!”

The door to their bedroom slammed shut and he gripped the counter wondering not for the first time what was wrong with him, because she was right. He didn’t think she could, but that was alright, she didn’t have too, but to her she did. And he knew one more time, one more failure… neither of them could take that.

 

A week passed after the incident in the kitchen and things had been…tense. They went about their days like they always did, but he knew Natasha was hurting. He just didn’t know how bad, until he found a letter from an adoption agency in the trash.

They’d discussed it of course, but they’d wanted to try IVF first. The letter was dated for last week informing them that while they are “pleased to receive their application, the could not accept it due to Mrs. Rogers past criminal history and both applicant’s current employment status’.” In other words, no. We don’t think putting a child into your custody is a good idea, please don’t try again.

“Why didn’t you tell me about the letter?” Steve asked her as he walked into the living room.

She kept her head down as she continued folding some towels.

“What was the point. They said no.”

“Did you try talking to them.”

“Yup, and they told me that even if I we’re to be a stay at home mom, my record was just something they couldn’t over look. Said that even though they do feel that I’ve changed it just wasn’t a controversy they were willing to get involved in. Or that any agency would be willing to get involved in. But wished us luck anyways.”

Steve shook his head folding up the paper and sitting down next to her.

“That’s why you wanted to try again.”

“It’s all we have left.” Natasha said, quickly swiping at her eyes.

He took the towel she was folding and pulled her into his chest as he leaned back into the couch. She went willingly, burying her face into his chest.

“Nat, it’s not that I don’t think you can’t carry a baby, I just don’t think you can handle going through the treatments again, not this soon. I love you too much to see you go through that again. You were miserable, not yourself, and in the end, they only got the two. To do a third round…I just don’t think it’s worth the risk. Not right now. I’m not saying we give up, but, we need to take a step back, get our heads back on straight. Just for a little while. Okay?”

“Okay.” Natasha responded a few moments later.

He pressed a kiss to her head as they settled down for the night.

 

“Okay, I need your advice.” Tony said as he entered Steve’s office.

“What advice could I possibly offer you that’d you’d actually take?” Steve said looking away from his computer. Tony rolled his eyes sitting down in front of the desk.

“It’s Pep’s first Mother’s Day this weekend and I’ve already decided to surprise her with a trip to her mothers and my mother in law’s surprise being her granddaughter, but I want to get Pep something. I just don’t know what.”

“Get her one of those charm bracelets.” Steve answered swiftly as he went back to his report. Tony raised an eyebrow.

“What bracelets? Show me.” He scooted closer to the desk and Steve pulled up a site for the bracelets in questions.

“They have charms for mothers.” Steve showed Tony the charm in question and the inventor nodded.

“Yeah, actually I think she’ll like that. Where’d you even find this anyways?”

“I was gonna get Nat…I was gonna get one for her for Christmas, but she doesn’t wear jewelry that much, so I went with the new blade set instead.” Steve said, lying to cover up his slip. In truth he’d almost bought her the same charm when she got pregnant this last time, but the universe had other plans as usual.

“Hey Steve, can I ask you a question?”

“You just did.” Steve responded with a slight smirk and Tony rolled his eyes.

“You and Red doing okay?”

That caught Steve off guard.

“Yeah, why?”

Tony shrugged.

“You guys just seem off lately.” Tony answered pausing a moment, “Anything you guys wanna tell us?”

Steve could see the hopeful glint in Tony’s eye again and his heart sank once more.

“Nope, have a safe trip Tony.”

Tony nodded still seeming a little suspicious, but thankfully left it at that.

 

Steve got home late that day to find Natasha already in bed asleep, curled up like a cat. He noticed she had something tucked under her arm. Upon closer inspection saw the little teddy bear she’d bought last year when she told him the test came back positive. She’d told him it was his “practice baby” because he didn’t even know how to change a diaper. It was kind of cheesy, but it was every bit her. It was also the last time he’d seen her smile bright and happy, genuine.

That gave him an idea…

 

_Two days later…_

Natasha woke up to find Steve’s side of the bed cold, already having left for his morning run. She stretched before slipping out of bed the cold wood floors making her toes curl. She was surprised to say the least when she found the teddy bear on the kitchen counter next to the laptop with a note that said, “play me”.

She slid onto the bar stool hitting play, the screen enlarging as Steve’s face came up. He looked tired, not like Captain America, like himself. The Steve she knew. He was sitting in their home office in his sleep shirt, more relaxed. She then remembered the Avengers had been asked to post Mother’s Day videos for either their mothers or their wives.

“Mother’s Day, I remember being a little boy growing up and picking flowers-or well weeds, but I didn’t know that-for my ma. She was the best person, and yeah, I’m kind of entitled to say that, but she was. My dad died when I was nine, and she was left to raise me on her own with no help financially and, yet she made it look so easy. How? I have no idea considering she was raising me, but she did. But I remember one Mother’s Day in particular, I was maybe seven, and my dad took me to the market to pick out some flowers for her, he’d saved some money, so we could get the nice ones and I remember how protective he’d be of me. I knew why, people didn’t understand why my parents didn’t just send me away like everyone else did in that time. And for some reason I decided to ask that day. He looked at me and he asked me this “do you know why we give your mother three flowers?” I shook my head and he stopped out front of the stand and picked up two lilies and one rose. He said, “I think your old enough to know that you are actually the youngest of three.” It blew my little mind as he knelt down and held out the flowers and he continued saying “You are our miracle, you know this, God gifted us with two others, but they we’re given wings instead of life.” A few years later my mother told me the full story, my ma had two miscarriages before me. I was almost her third. Years, a lot of years later my father’s words still ring true, they never got to hold them, never got name them, teach them, but that didn’t make them any less real, any less theirs. It didn’t make my ma any less of a mother. My father had bought those flowers to remind her that while they lost their chance to physically have their children be born, she was still someone’s mother, if only for a little while.”

He paused, worrying his bottom lip before continuing.

“So, today I find myself gifting my wife two white lilies…A lot of people have been asking us when we’re going to have kids. Strangers, talk show hosts, friends, family. Truth is we’ve tried, and it’s taken my beautiful free-spirited wife and nearly left her soul crushed. I’ve never wished for my dad to be alive more than now, so I could ask what to do, but I honestly don’t think he’d tell me. But what I realized was how much emphasis is put on the definition of a mother, or only part of it. It seems like today, in order to be a mother your child has to have breathed air into their lungs. That you had to have been able to have held them, fed them seen them…that’s not what makes someone a mother. I’ve met some people who call themselves mothers who then turn around and beat their child. Does carrying a child make you a mom? No, the love for that child does. I get there’s controversy on what justifies as human at what stage, but at the end of the day it doesn’t matter how far along you are, our first made it to three weeks, our second, eight. It didn’t make the pain any less painful. So, for those mothers who have mourned their child whether they knew for two hours or eight months, or who’s children lived for only hours or even years, this is still your day to.

For my amazing, strong wife, our babies might have been given wings, but they’re still ours and no our hearts were not prepared for that. I don’t have an answer as to why they couldn’t have lived, but you are somebody’s mother, this is for you. I love you.”

The video ended, and she furiously wiped away the tears on her cheeks. She heard footsteps behind her and turned to see Steve with two white lilies. He looked like he wanted to say something, but he didn’t have to, she knew. She wanted to be a mother, but forgot she already was one. Did it still hurt? Hell, yeah it hurt. Her heart felt like it was dangling on a frayed string, ready to shatter into a million pieces. But she got the message no less.

“What did I do to deserve you?” She asked on a shaky breath.

He laughed lightly.

“Funny I was going to ask you that.”

She smiled it was smile, but it made her feel a little lighter. She got off the stool going up and hugging him tight to ground herself. She was a mother. She’d gotten her wish, more than that considering she was told she’d never even get pregnant. She got to hear her last baby’s heartbeat, the excitement, the joy…it was still more than she’d thought she’d get when this all began and while it may not have ended like one would hope she was still grateful nonetheless.

 

It turns out that year on Mother’s Day, the most bought flower worldwide were white lilies.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I think Steve put it nicely. You are no less a mother, that child was yours no matter how long you knew about it. You still loved it, still mourned it, and I think it should be more talked about. So Happy Really, Really Early Mother's Day.


End file.
